The Time Between Now and Never

He was quick to act. He was thinking irationally. He didn't listen to anyone expcept the people who knew him least. He thought he was doing "us" a favor. He thought it would be easier. He thought it would be happier.



He was wrong.



I was broken. I felt like I was never going to love anyone the same. Which, I know, is a bit dramatic. But really, its how I felt.
When I was distracted, I felt fine, not good but fine. The moment I was reminded of him, I lost it.
I cried in Target. I cried in the bathroom. I cried in class. I cried in bed. I cried at the mall. I cried when I woke. I cried when I slept. I cried in the car. I cried.

I have never felt such pain as I did in these moments. He made me feel like an idiot. He made me feel desperate. He made me feel like a frivolous thing he could toss away when it got "hard". He made me feel like our relationship had been pointless and meaningless to him. He made me feel played. He made me feel the worst feeling I have ever felt.
I knew most of that was not true.

I knew I wasn't worthless. I knew I wasn't an idiot. I knew he didn't play me. I knew our relationship was not meaningless and worthless to him.
I know that the time I had spent with him were some of the best moments of my life.

So that almost left me feeling even more lost. Like..if he really loved me..how could he do this to me?
How could he even bare to do this when just a week ago he was holding me and saying he'd make time for me and always be there for me. Two nights before he told me he loved me no matter what and would support me in whatever I wanted to do in life.

Now. Now he's done.

I know relationships are hard. I know they are not supposed to come easily. I know they require work. I know they require sacrifice. I know they need time and support and love. I know relationships cannot be perfect. They cannot always be the "dream" relationship.
He didn't know.

So there I was, lost. For the longest fifty-one hours of my life, I knew it was over. I knew he wouldn't call me. He's too stubborn, and he sounded so sure on the phone.

After talking on the phone with several influential women and spending two days trying to heal with my mom, I was beginning to accept it and feel a little better. Not a significant amount better, but better.
Then he texted me.

"Hey do you want to talk"
"Yes"

I needed to talk to him no matter which direction our relatioship was headed. I needed closure. It felt like our relationship died in a sudden accident. It wasn't a cancerous relationship. It took me by surprise.

He said he was sorry. He said he didn't listen to me. He said everyone that doesn't know him told him to end it. He said everyone who knows him said "What the hell did you do?!" He said he wished I was there to talk face to face. He said he knew there would be things to work out but he seemed to want to.
So I said I'd come to him on Friday.

I drove seven hours to him on Friday. We talked about it. I told him how he made me feel and how mad I was at him. I loved him still. I never stopped. But I, we've, been damaged now. So we spent the weekend together. We talked, and figured out our plan.

We figured it out.

Am I scared it's going to happen again? Yes.
But I guess I just have to trust in what we have and keep communication open. What is going to happen is what will happen.

But I mean, I only have one heartbreak to give to him. So if he takes another that's all I have.

I love him. I want to be with him. I want to be his girl.

But I don't have to be okay with this. I don't have to be okay right away. I have to heal.

(Thank you to my mom and everyone else who was there for me over those few tough days. It means SO much to me.)