"One Moment With You is Better Than Two Without"

Our relationship is nowhere near perfect. It isn't some kind of movie with skipping and sunshine the whole time. But it is a relationship I wouldn't trade for anything. 

There is this boy. He is my best friend. I've loved him in so many ways for so many years. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. He teases me. He loves me. He wants the best for me.

He is so smart. So determined. So amazing. Even though we don't always agree or we don't always have the same ideas I love him more than I can say.

There is something about his little smirk and dark sideburns. There is something about his real smile, that so few people have ever even gotten the privilege of seeing. There is something about hearing all the ideas he has.

I love him so much. I am in my happiest state whenever I am around him. It does not matter what we do. If we are playing with his sister in the backyard or running errands or spending the day at Disneyland or laying on opposite couches really sick. It really doesn't matter cause I'd never trade that moment for any other. 

"One moment with you is better than two without"

I love you.

What can you do about it?

Sometimes...sometimes stuff happens. You can't control it. You can't manage it. You can't do anything about it. All you can do is move on and let it go.

Life happens. 

Live and Learn. 

So the answer here is nothing. You can do nothing about it. 

The Ability to Choose

I have really been struggling with my decision on what to do next semester.
Do I stay here where I'm really not that happy to please societal standards?
Do I go home and go to community college while I try to figure out my life?
Do I go to beauty school?

I really am leaning towards going home and then going to beauty school. However, I feel like that is something that by societal standards is what lazy or "dumb" girls do..
I know that's not true because doing hair is art and science and an admirable profession.

So I guess really its that not going to a four-year college is where I feel it's socieatllly unacceptable.

My boyfriend told me that I shouldn't live my life trying to please society, my parents or even him because then I may never actually truly be happy in my life. He said he'd support me in whatever I chose to do.

My parents say the same. They are supportive no matter what and just want me to be happy.

All this was really good advice and helped me somewhat.

However, I was talking with a good friend from high school via Facebook instant messaging this afternoon and I think shes given me the most helpful piece of words yet.

When expressing how I feel like society looks down on those girls that go to beauty school and I feel like they are not the smartest girls and that I know I'm smart but I still think I want to go to beauty school she said "dumb girls do what they can, smart girls choose what they want".

I get the choice. I wasn't left without other options. I have options. I get to choose. I get to decide.

This Time It Was...

This time when I woke up it was only a nightmare....

The Time Between Now and Never

He was quick to act. He was thinking irationally. He didn't listen to anyone expcept the people who knew him least. He thought he was doing "us" a favor. He thought it would be easier. He thought it would be happier.



He was wrong.



I was broken. I felt like I was never going to love anyone the same. Which, I know, is a bit dramatic. But really, its how I felt.
When I was distracted, I felt fine, not good but fine. The moment I was reminded of him, I lost it.
I cried in Target. I cried in the bathroom. I cried in class. I cried in bed. I cried at the mall. I cried when I woke. I cried when I slept. I cried in the car. I cried.

I have never felt such pain as I did in these moments. He made me feel like an idiot. He made me feel desperate. He made me feel like a frivolous thing he could toss away when it got "hard". He made me feel like our relationship had been pointless and meaningless to him. He made me feel played. He made me feel the worst feeling I have ever felt.
I knew most of that was not true.

I knew I wasn't worthless. I knew I wasn't an idiot. I knew he didn't play me. I knew our relationship was not meaningless and worthless to him.
I know that the time I had spent with him were some of the best moments of my life.

So that almost left me feeling even more lost. Like..if he really loved me..how could he do this to me?
How could he even bare to do this when just a week ago he was holding me and saying he'd make time for me and always be there for me. Two nights before he told me he loved me no matter what and would support me in whatever I wanted to do in life.

Now. Now he's done.

I know relationships are hard. I know they are not supposed to come easily. I know they require work. I know they require sacrifice. I know they need time and support and love. I know relationships cannot be perfect. They cannot always be the "dream" relationship.
He didn't know.

So there I was, lost. For the longest fifty-one hours of my life, I knew it was over. I knew he wouldn't call me. He's too stubborn, and he sounded so sure on the phone.

After talking on the phone with several influential women and spending two days trying to heal with my mom, I was beginning to accept it and feel a little better. Not a significant amount better, but better.
Then he texted me.

"Hey do you want to talk"
"Yes"

I needed to talk to him no matter which direction our relatioship was headed. I needed closure. It felt like our relationship died in a sudden accident. It wasn't a cancerous relationship. It took me by surprise.

He said he was sorry. He said he didn't listen to me. He said everyone that doesn't know him told him to end it. He said everyone who knows him said "What the hell did you do?!" He said he wished I was there to talk face to face. He said he knew there would be things to work out but he seemed to want to.
So I said I'd come to him on Friday.

I drove seven hours to him on Friday. We talked about it. I told him how he made me feel and how mad I was at him. I loved him still. I never stopped. But I, we've, been damaged now. So we spent the weekend together. We talked, and figured out our plan.

We figured it out.

Am I scared it's going to happen again? Yes.
But I guess I just have to trust in what we have and keep communication open. What is going to happen is what will happen.

But I mean, I only have one heartbreak to give to him. So if he takes another that's all I have.

I love him. I want to be with him. I want to be his girl.

But I don't have to be okay with this. I don't have to be okay right away. I have to heal.

(Thank you to my mom and everyone else who was there for me over those few tough days. It means SO much to me.)

Couldn't it be...

I woke up thinking this was all a nightmare.

#collegesucks

College has been really cool. I've had a pretty good time. My college is really small and quiet. We have almost no clubs and really no social activities. Its mostly a commuter school. Up until this week I haven't minded the college life at all..but this week it's all crashed.

My boyfriend has little to no time to even text me. My family is too far for regular weekend trips. 

Every day leading up to this week my best friend and I have gone to get lunch and/or dinner every day. This week, she's always going with her new friends..not even inviting me..she's sorta my only friend..

I've been waking up, crying, go to class, go back to my room, cry, eat lunch, try and do homework, lay on my bed and watch shows on my phone, cry, talk to K for like 15 min., deal with roommates, cry, try to think of something to do, cry, go get some lettuce from the cafe, eat in my room, lay in bed the rest of the night  oh and cry. 

It sucks. I don't think I've ever been this consistently sad ever. 

I don't really feel homesick, cause honestly I don't really feel at home anywhere anymore. One house feels empty and smells uninhabited. The other is somewhere that was never home for me..and all I have is a twin bed with bedding from when I was six.

I just feel miserable here. Depressed. Angry.

I want to leave. 

I Feel...

Lost.
Confused.
Sad.
Frustrated.
Stuck.
Lonely.

Waiting for Tomorrow

These past couple months I constantly find myself thinking about and longing for the future. I think of my future wedding and children. I think of the kind of home I want to provide, I think about the type of wife and mother I want to be. I long for the celebration that comes with all of those events. I come up with plans in my head about how this could all be possible within a few years. I feel like that's all I want. I just want to be a wife and a mother and someone that is depended on and longed for. 
But I'm eighteen. The social norm is college. You go to college when you're eighteen then you graduate, get a career then fall in love and get married and then five years after that start considering the possibility of children. 
That's another five years out for me to even begin. I don't want to wait that long, but that's what is acceptable. I struggle internally with societal norms and how I feel about my own life. 

However, none of this is going to happen tomorrow, or the next day, or the next week, or even in the next year. I know this but I wish it wasn't so.
I feel so contained by this idea that I can't even enjoy the moments I'm living in now. I feel like I'm in an eternal countdown. 

The first countdown is for my boyfriend who lives six hours away. With both of us in college this makes visiting each other incredibly difficult and somewhat painful with the short lengths of time we are able to have together. Every time we leave each other we start the painful countdown to the next time. It includes texts like "only 18 more days", "only 15 more days", "in one week I'll get to kiss you", "in 48 hours I'll be hugging you" and then back to "18 more days..". This is an incredibly hard way to live emotionally.
The other countdown is that of my life. I remember being six or seven years old and thinking "Wow! Only four more years and I'll be 10!". Ten was my magical number, until I reached age ten and started the countdown to thirteen. Then sixteen, then eighteen. Now, I have the seemingly eternal countdown. The end is no where in sight which makes it worse. It's the countdown to where I feel I will finally be able to cease the countdowns. 

When I get engaged. 

I feel like this will be an end to the countdown of when K and I will be together. It will be the end of the countdown to my life.
However, will it really? Or will I just start the countdown to kids? And then countdown to their birthdays, the countdown to their adulthood, then the countdown to their children. Before I know it, I will have counted the days to my death. 

When I think back on my life I don't want to have an endless memory of "___ days until ___"

I want to be able to live in the moment. I want to enjoy these times of my life before I do settle down and have the rest of my long life to be with the ones I love. I want to be able to go out and not constantly be wishing I was somewhere else, not only in location but in time.
My goal is to do things I wouldn't normally do. I want to have these experiences before it's too late. 

Live in the Now.

-Emily N.